The Imaginarium Movement

Hey Westgal...you actually read my blog? Just when I thought nobody reads it. Haha. Yeah I know why blog then? Just for the fun of it and to release some tension.Thanks for your comment by the way. But curiousity is eating me up. Who are you? You sounded like you know me. Do I know you? Anyways, I'm trying my best to stop worrying but DAMN it's hard. I can't seem to do so. But well I still do try. =)

Yeah I will definitely work harder this time and gain good results. I'll need lots more dicipline. I think I'm not good enough. Ahh what is there to say since I'm a Noobie! I'm useless in everything. That's probably why I'm always a failure. I can never suceed in most of the things I do and if I did. It's never good enough. Yeah you might say I have a very low self esteem. Yeah you're right. It's just me. I can never see myself higher than anyone else or good in anything. It's always, "Why are you so stupid?", "You can never do anything right! I asked you to just do something so simple and you skrewed up! You Fool!" , or like " You're always thinking about yourself and not others!" Hey the truth is I actually care for others more than I care for myself. But well I'm immuned to all this so what is there to care about? Yes I have split personalities. I'm different with my family. Why? Because they can never accept me like how I REALLY am. If I'm nice they will say this, " What the hell do you want from me? Why are you so nice? Don't think you can get anything from me ok?" If I'm not nice they will tell their friends and other family members how un-nice I am to them. But really if I can, I really want to treat them like how I treat my friends which is better. But well what i do now is I stay quiet. I don't talk much with them, except for my younger brother and my mom. They are some exception. They can except the way I am. My dad? He can never. He thinks I'm rude! He always! No matter what I'm always rude.It's fixed in his mind that I'm rude! I probably did something wrong when I was younger. Damn he keep that in mind for life. There was this once he even told me he hated me ALOT! I don't know how much her meant it but damn it hurt ALOT too. I do try to spend time with him. But what in the world is there to do? He's all about golf. I hate golf. Am I suppose to like that game to just gain his attention? He doesn't talk that much anyway. And everytime I hook him up with a conversation we ended up quarelling over something stupid. He's one hard person. Even my mom says so. I keep asking my mom what she sees in him. Why did she ended up marrying him. She never did come out with the answers. She said don't know. I mean is this my fault that he's not talking to me? Hey he's also not talking to my brothers. He just pass the message to my mom if he got anything to tell us. Growing up with him was really hard. We never had the chance to watch tv unless its weekend and we only get to watch 1 hour of it a day. We have to be in bed by 10pm when it's a sch day and by 11pm when its not. He was really strict. Heck everyone in the family is afraid of him. I remember those time when I use to get whack by him. The slightest mistakes end up with canning. There's once my elder bro and I got canning till out buds bleed! It's always, " take off your pants! Bend down!" And WHACK! OUCH! It hurt like MAD! I still remember pleading for less whacks. It never did work though. Thank god he doesn't use the cane anymore. If I could. I would like to sit down and have a conversation with him. BUT I'll make it this way. He in one room and I'm in the other seperated by this glass. So if he gets mad or something i'm being protected. But well maybe he won't but he's so unpredictable. Like that day he was talking to me about my coll fees and all of a sudden he yelled at me becaused he said I threw the letter at him when I didn't at all! He was so exaggerating! My mom was there she knew I didn't threw it but she didn't dare say a word!

Ok enough about my dad. The more I think about him the more I get frustrated. Oh yeah I've seen the doctor and he did the scop on me. Guess what? He said I'm fine..Nothing is wrong with me. I don't have cancer or even gastric! Damn! Then what is causing all those pain??? He says I keep thinking I have a stomach ache. He's nuts! Why would I go thinking about having a tummy ache when I have so many other things to think of and I'm not that nuts to think of getting pains! But I've seen 3 doctors and all of them said I'm fine and that nothing is wrong with me. Ok Do I have a problem? Or maybe problems?? if yes what is it? Do I need a psychiatrist? If yes that means I'm crazy? Oh no I'm not crazy right?

But well sometimes the best thing to do is to sit in my room and stay there forever listening to songs by Secret Garden or Enya. Utada Hikaru songs are best played while having a bath! hehe.

What happened to Rozy? Why can't I get through her phone? Why isn't she picking up my calls? Why she didn't reply my sms? And why she didn't reply my message I sent her on friendster? I miss her so much! I really want to talk to her. I hope the next time I try to call her she'll pick up.

Oh yeah and I finally get to play Gunbound! After all that downloading...Leroy I get to play now! Haha. Oh yeah I don't like playing it with you...why? you cheat and you used all those what? erm what's that word? uhh....erm...wait...ahh yeah formula!!must play with skills mar...haha.

Anyways, my bed is calling me to sleep now...I'll blog again soon...=)