I've finally got my results. How was it? Bad like I predicted. Anyway, at least I don't have to repeat any of the subject.
My dad talked to me about renting my cousin's place. As much as I wanted my own place I realise I don't wanna give up the pool, the gym , the TV and the internet line I have now. I will have to spend like RM 6000.00 least to furnish up the place and what if I don't anyone to rent the other rooms? I mean I seriously don't mind staying alone since it's hard for me to get along with people. =) But well I still need to pay rent, pay the electric and water and phone bills...there's just too much to handle. So I decided to not rent the place and stay put. The place I'm renting now isn't that bad. I actually love the place. BUt well there's something that I don't like it there. What is it? haha not telling.
My dad is into one of his mood swings again. Actually, seriously as much as I don't wanna admit it. My dad is like a total stranger to me as much as I am to him. He doesn't talk much to me and stuff. He only comes back during the weekends and spend his time playing golf I hardly see him except during dinner time. It's also really hard to talk to him. He barely listens and its weird to talk to him. It's like talking to someone I don't know. I mean he won't understand. He don't even know what I'm facing in my everyday life, who I like, what colour I like(which is so obvious that lots of people know) and there's just so many things he doesn't know. I don't blame him because I too don't know much about him. I dunno bout this. Is it my fault that I don't spend time with him? Or is it always this way? He's always working so hard and stuff. And the only reason he's doing so is to make money for the whole family to live. Moreover I'm going to college which already eats up like half the money he's making. I feel terribly bad. I always ask myself if it's my fault for studying there or maybe I could have done something else which doesn't cost that much. But then again, it's what I really wanna do. And as a father I think it's his responsibilty that I get to study what I want right? Or am I so wrong? I dunno it's really confusing. I pity those who couldn't afford at all to go to school. I do appreciate what I get and all though. Life is tough isn't it? Who said about it being easy? I just can't wait till the day I don't have to depend on my parents for money. It's been making me so awfully...what's that word? erm I dunno. It doesn't feel right. Like my dad always say I'm only here renting his place for FREE while he pays for everything I do and need. He says that when I'm 21 I'm suppose to be on my own. That left me like erm 2 more years? So does that mean I'll have to pay for myself to take my degree? Life is all about money huh? If you don't have it you can barely live. Unless you're crowded by kindness and good which are getting exticnt in time to come. What's happening to this world today? What's happening to me? Am I not good enough? What am I lack of?
Life is getting tougher by each second. Stress fills up even faster. Like how am I going to go back to KL. Do I have to go through all that mess again? Is my results that bad? Why didn't I work harder? Is ID the course I'm suppose to be doing? Why does my family think I'm eating my dad's money? Is everything always my fault? Why am I so fat? Why does my cousin have the life I always dreamt of? Is liking PINK wrong? Why is there no one to talk to when I need someone to listen? Why is there a barrier in everything? Is semester 3 going to be really tough that I might give up? But I don't give up...I never did. Will I pass? Is my stomach going to survive? What's causing all those aches? Why must I go see the doctor on Monday to go for a skop? Why isn't there an easier painless way? Why can't I just leave it there? Why can't I stand not bathing? Why am I always the black sheep of the family? Does anyone know that I have 2 personalities? Or maybe more? What if my parents found out about my darkess secrets? What will the world think about me then? Will I ever get to meet Utada Hikaru? Will I get the pink funeral I always wanted? Will I recieve flowers on a date? Will I ever get a date? ........okok I guess I'm getting too far. But seriously questions jam my brains everytime before I go to bed.
Well I just hope I'll live...I just need to relax more huh? I just wish I have someone to talk to...I'm just feeling too lonely...SOmeone who can really listen...no my mom cannot listen...she's someone diff...it's hard to explain because I don't even know how. She's my mom...it's not that simple..
ok I'm off now. gotta get a bath...haha yeah i NEED 1...that's me=)
Hey, I think it's not that bad as you think..You're lucky to have your family and you should really appreciate them..I don't go along that well with my dad as well, but honestly, do you need to get along to be able to love one another? Perhaps you need to start spending more time at home and try to get to know ur dad better. Make the first move and do something special for him..Parents are weird and shy and conservative...But that doesn't mean that they don't love you...The course u're taking is expensive not to mention the high living cost in kl, but that's what u love to do...so dun give up on ur dream, just try to save more and spend less...And the best way to repay ur parents is giving them good results..U're a smart girl and i know u can do it...And stop worrying about everything...Let it go and relax, live life as it is and believe that things will get better..We all face this stages in life where we get so lonely and helpless, but once we get thru that, we'll be a wiser and stronger person..so, toughen up..U can do it. Well, take care and all the best. Oh, and u're NOT fat! *grin*
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