What do I want? What's messing my thoughts?

I'm confuse. I really don't know what I want or what is it that's messing my thoughts at the moment. My past has turn me or somehow shaped me into who and what I am right now. It's really hard. I feel like shutting the whole world from me and just stay in my shell till I'm all ready to come out. But how long can I hide? When will I EVER be ready? There's this fear in me. No matter how I tell myself not to be afraid of it, I can't fight it. I hate it. I'm at a state that if I was someone else I would shoot myself dead and spot on! Arghhh!! Slap me somebody please slap me! I don't know what to do and it is really bothering me! I can't talk to anyone about it! Nobody is going to understand...it's really killing me slowly and it hurts and i'm suffocating!